The Struggle

I haven’t updated in quite some time, so I thought I might as well do just that. So, let’s get to the heart of it:

I am struggling.

The Thanksgiving holiday began the slide. Over the Thanksgiving holiday I took a cooler of food for myself. Since I am allergic to turkey, my only choice of meat was ham, and boy was I ever sick of it. There was only one vegetable that I could “legally” have, so I fudged on dairy so that I could have mashed potatoes. I made myself my own gluten-free pie (again, it had dairy, which I am not supposed to have), which wasn’t the greatest, but I ate it anyway. The worst of the whole holiday was a trip to On the Border. As I watched family eat chips, queso and salsa, I can honestly say I was miserably jealous, but I was trying to keep myself composed as much as I could. The family member (who will remain nameless) that was next to me was constantly complaining about how they could find absolutely nothing on the menu. It took all of my energy not to haul off and slap them! Try going to a Mexican restaurant when you can’t have corn, cheese, sour cream, rice, chicken or pinto beans. That certainly narrows down the menu! Alas, I ordered the fajitas with no tortilla or cheese and survived.

It was so hard not being able to eat what “normal” people eat. I don’t feel “normal”. I guess I’ve just begun to feel sorry for myself. I have slipped and starting eating dairy and chocolate – two things I am supposed to avoid. Oh, and potato chips. Lots of potato chips. You would have thought that I would have gained weight by now. Nope. I weigh less than the before having two children and less than I did in high school. I guess that’s one good thing about a slightly overactive thyroid. But, my struggle is not about weight. It's about feeling healthy, alive and energetic again.

I am sabotaging the plan. Why? I have asked myself that a lot in these past few weeks, and the one thing I keep coming back to is belief. If I am honest with myself,I don’t really believe this is going to work. After 20 years of struggling with an intestinal mess, I have become rather jaded. I’ve been through so many different treatments, and they have only produced temporary, nominal results. I know that if I don’t believe it is going to really fix it this time, I won’t do it. Plan and simple. Sabotage. Sabotage.

One of the toughest parts of this whole intestinal mess is something I never talk about to anyone other than my husband, but I might as well, since I am on a roll. Because I am toxic, my body has learned to expel toxins through the only reliable avenue it has, and that is my skin. I have struggled with deep, cystic acne since I was 12 years old. One time the pain got so bad in high school that I had to go to the dermatologist to have 10 cortisone shots injected into my face. I still have to ice down my face every week or so to relieve the pain. I have been on every antibiotic possible (that really screws up your intestines), every cream and lotion, blue laser treatments and the dreaded accutane (run far away from that one). You name it, I have most likely tried it. I’ve spent thousands. Nothing has worked. The cysts persist. They are very painful, and it’s just embarrassing. I am too darn old for this! One thing I have learned over the years is the art of make-up, but that only lasts for so long. The cause is internal, and I just can't seem to fix it.

I am just not making progress. And it is my fault.

So what do I do? What do I really want, anyway? I am kind of at a crossroad. Do I take a chance and believe, or do I just forget it and live with it? This diet is crazy hard and takes a ton of preparation. I stink at even drinking enough water a day. It makes me realize the unhealthy relationship that I have with food - almost like living a thin version of a Biggest Loser episode over and over again. (By the way, GO DANNY! :))But what is the alternative? Do I dare hope again?

I need to decide. But oh, the Christmas parties. The cakes, cookies, holiday fare. Not to mention the all-day cookie-cooking-fest that I have to participate in. (Thanks, Mom.) What do I do? What do you think I should do? The Christmas season is the HARDEST time of the year to be restricted like this, but I guess it would be the best time to test my resolve, if I have any.

I’ve just lost belief and hope. I guess I need to go find some – quick. But for now, I am stilling hanging in there.

And I'll have a slab of butt-kicking, too!

Okay, this is the OFFICIAL day to start all the diet changes. So far so good... I think I am going to have my green smoothie for dinner... You know, change it up a bit! When you are limited on choices, it is definitely the little things.

So, I have decided that if I am going to make a huge change in my diet, I might as well make one in my activity level. So, with much fear and trembling last night, I located my workout clothes and set them out for the Y visit this morning. I sat for quite some time with my lock, trying to remember the stupid combination! After many tries, I finially got it right, so that was my sign that there was no turning back...

I discovered that one way to get myself to the gym is to post it on Facebook. I would feel pretty silly if I just sat on my tail instead, so it is my form of motivation. I must say, I was dreading going to the gym this morning. When you have been out of the game for some time, you know you are rusty. It's just trying to figure out how rusty...

And let me be honest: Working out at the Y at in the mornings is a humbling experience. That's when the uber-fit stay-at-home moms and trophy wives come. I swear, most of these folks have 2% body fat. These ladies have not seen a cheeseburger in quite some time. I know I am not a big person, but there is definitely a difference between "thin and firm" and "thin and flabby". Luckily I ran into a friend (yeah, Alia!) so that I would not have to walk into Body Pump alone. For those of you not familiar with BP, it is a weightlifting class - mostly bar, some dumbbells. Lots, LOTS of reps. You lift weights for every major muscle group in your body to very loud music. (Good thing, so you don't hear the moaning as much!)

I used to take this class on a regular basis last spring, so I knew the setup routine so as to blend in as much as possible. I recognized some of the "regulars" that are still there, especially one tiny woman who effortlessly lifts twice the weight I can while she pops her gum. Ugh. All the uber-fit folks get up in front, while I strategically hang out on the second to last row. That is my spot - at least for now. And so the music started. Okay, lift...

I know black is said to be slimming, but does it hide shaking!?!? After about 500 squats, I had sea legs. But wait, that is just the FIRST muscle group. By the time we got to shoulders, after going through squats, cling and press/ dead lifts, bicepts, chest, tricepts, my "push-ups" were more like a "hover and pray"!

But, I made it. :) After class, I drug my jello-body into the sauna for a bit, hoping that my muscles would loosen up a bit more so as to not be bed-ridden tomorrow. Oh, tomorrow... An hour and 15 minutes of sheer butt-whoopin', otherwise known as kickboxing. If I can walk, I will be there. You know where you will find me: on the second to last row, of course - for now. :)

ANSWERS!!!

It's 1:00 in the morning, so this may not be too coherent, but I thought I would share my test results.

Well... who would have thought???

Today I had the doctor appointment I had been waiting for for a long, long time. True, real answers to all of this crazy, digestive mess. It is not very often that I am actually excited to go to the doctor, but this was one of those days.

I had almost everything tested: food allergies, cholesterol, kidney function, hemoglobin, thyroid panels, vitamin D status - you name it. I listened to the results as though I were listening to the most fascinating story ever told... one with lots of twists and turns.

I knew, KNEW he was going to tell me that I am allergic to all dairy products. I just knew it. I bathed myself in the stuff for YEARS, so I just knew dairy was going to be a big allergen... Test results: no dairy allergies. WHAT!?!? Crazy!! Not even a blip. Amazing. I still cannot have them for 3-6 months (they are highly constipating), but cheese, we will meet again one day. YES! :) One that I was right on: gluten and wheat. Bye, bye bread.

But, my biggest allergen is... corn. Can't touch the stuff. Huh. Guess Mexican is out.

Some other strange ones to me were chicken and turkey. Apparently poultry does not settle well with me, but I have no reaction to beef. (Bring on the steak, yeah! Sorry to all the vegans out there...) Kidney and pinto beans and rice are out, as well as crab. Oh, and a sad one to any woman: chocolate. BOO!!!

I have to eliminate all these foods for 3-6 months, then I will be tested again to see if my gut has healed enough that I can tolerate some of these foods again.

Some other interesting findings: I am anemic and have hypoglycemia. So, now I am going to be on iron and have to watch out for foods that cause major sugar swings, like simple carbs. Apparently my thyoid is working too hard (hyper), so I am going to have to watch that as well. The doctor is hoping the diet changes will help, otherwise I may have to go on some type of thyroid medication. My kidney function is a bit low. (creatinine too high and eGFR too low) Combined with other tests, he thinks that is due to chronic dehydration, so I am going to have to really up my intake of water. This is another thing that is going to have to be monitored and checked up on in about 3 months. My vitamin D levels are too low. The low end is 32, optimal is 50. I am at 24.6, so I have been put on a daily D3 supplement for that. Oh, and I am not absorbing / getting enough B12, and that is affecting my hemoglobin levels as well, so there's a supplement for that, too. I also have candida albicans overgrowth from past, chronic antibiotic use. Joy.

I think the most suprising result to me was my total cholesterol and LDL cholesterol levels. They are both surprisingly high. My LDL is over 30 points higher than it should be... Huh. (At least my triglycerides were low.) I really do not have a bad diet, so the theory is that because my digestive system is soooooo slow, I am reabsorbing cholesterol that I should be eliminating. He also thinks that this is the reason that my skin has been so cystic.

So.... I have been put on a diet that eliminates all of these problem foods, along with loads of water and supplements each day. Oh, and those famous green smoothies! I will be drinking a quart of the stuff every day for 3 months. Good thing they taste decent. :)

I am so happy to have some direction. I know it is going to be hard to follow the diet - and remember to take all of the supplements, but I am excited and ready for the positive health changes that are to come. Please pray that I can stick to it - especially through Thanksgiving and Christmas! (Turkey allergy, GEEZ!)

Rabbits envy me...

Oh... green smoothies. Day 1, easy. Honestly, the smoothies really don't taste bad at all. The greens I have used thus far - spinach and kale - have such mild flavors that you don't even taste them. It is a bit scary for me to think how long I am going to be on these things at this volume.


Day 2... Easy? Not so much. Visions of cheeseburgers dancing in my head. (Curse you, cheeseburger!) I have never coveted a grilled cheese as much as the one I fed my girls tonight! I am hoping this gets a bit easier as time goes on... I've already lost 2.5 pounds since, well, yesterday. I must have eaten the equivalent of two heads of lettuce today. Oh, I can have salads, too. And avocado, my saving grace. The thing I look forward the most to? Chewing. I am most certainly getting my greens! :)

I just need to stay positive. You don't realize how much emotion is wrapped into food until you have to consciously avoid so much of what your diet has been. There is no such thing as just grabbing a sandwich - or a bag of anything, for that matter. I realized today in looking at the days ahead that I am not going to be able to eat hardly any of the typical Thanksgiving food this year, because my body just can't handle it at this point. It really makes me question why I eat what I eat. I realize that the food I "romanticize" is just plain bad for me. Do you ever hear someone say, "oh, the lettuce is soooooo good at the Cheesecake Factory!" I don't think so... I've rewarded myself, my husband, my kids with unhealthy food. Am I creating unhealthy emotional ties to food in my children? I don't know what the answer is, quite honestly. I am coming to understand that I use food as a punishment as well... I guess these are just things I ponder about.

I don't really feel any different yet, but I don't expect to. It's way too early. I am really anxious to get the results from my blood tests. There is just something about having real test results in writing, isn't there? I NEED the results to tell me not to eat dairy or wheat. I need something concrete, because I don't think I have enough willpower on my own for the long haul. The cravings are nuts!

When my doctor reviewed my case and history, he was very optimistic, but told me the healing process could take up to a year. In a world that seems to just want to take a pill to "fix" it and go on, a year seems so long to me. Answers from all the doctors in the past have been to take a pill and go on. Where has it gotten me??? There has to be another way. For me, going about the healing process from a natural direction is a must. I have tried all the other options, except the last, drastic one - having a large portion of my colon surgically removed. That is just NOT an option at this point. There just has to be another way!

So, after literally years of research, I going to go the natural way. I just have to. If I truly believe that using food and lifestyle changes to heal disease actually works best, then I am going to have to live it out. It's a step of faith for me. I want to be a good example to my family and everyone around me, and I have to do this. What if someone I know could greatly benefit from my experience and find the healing that they need? You just can't put a price on that.

Smoothie, anyone?? :)

Ode to Hypocrisy - Let it all out...

Has it been this long since I have posted??? This is going to be sort of a “come to Jesus” post for me…

Let me start this off like an AA meeting: “Hi, my name is Rebecca, and I am a food hypocrite.” The last couple months have been laced with cheeseburgers, fries and cakes.

And I was doing so well…

I made a commitment early in the spring to start working out again. I had some friends to work out with at the Y, and I actually found myself enjoying going to the gym on a regular basis for the first time in a long time. And I was starting to feel a bit… better. Well, the workouts lasted until this summer when I was sidelined by a surgery. No more working out for two months… Boo. Well, that became a trend…

But, I did something that I had never done. I gave up wheat, dairy, corn and sugar. I basically ate nothing that came out of a box or had a label. Let me tell you, that makes your trips to the grocery store a whole lot more limited, but certainly less time-consuming! I stuck to the plan and even made it through the food-laden Fourth of July holiday weekend. I lasted a whole six weeks. And I felt a bit better… I think.

Then I completely gave up.

Oh, I am sure it was for a number of reasons. I try my best to make everyone happy and not raise any eyebrows – most of the time, but I have learned that people take the way you eat very, VERY personally. Almost like how you raise your children. On several occasions I was made fun of or criticized. “Oh, that is SO impractical. I could never eat that way.” “Don’t you want some cake, just this time?” “Wow, you really are a health nut (emphasis on nut)!” “Well, you can’t make me give up my Diet Cokes and cheeseburgers!” You know, I try to have thick skin, but that has never been a strong suit of mine.

Yet, the number one reason that I gave up is that I have been in a silent, awful battle… for the last 20 years. And I am so tired of the fight.

You see, my digestive system has basically gone haywire. I have more intestines than anyone should ever have, especially someone my size. And for the last year, they have basically gone on strike. (I know that is TMI for some of you, but it is what it is.) So, I am being slowing poisoned by my own body. Yup, I am officially toxic.

I have been to so many doctors… I’ve been misdiagnosed with fibromyalgia. I’ve even been prescribed an asthma inhaler. Huh? I’ve been on countless medications and supplements. (You should see my supplement stash! You got an ailment; I’ve got a supplement.) Having a serious digestive disorder can affect your life in so many ways. It can even make you feel like you are losing your marbles! I feel so sorry for my husband and my girls… It has been so frustrating to not be able to be there with them fully, to not have the energy to be the wife and mother I am supposed to be. I only pray that I can make it up to them in the years to come. And Jesus, I am so sorry, too…

I may be down, but I am not out. I just saw a new doctor who practices integrated medicine (both traditional and natural modalities), and I am hopeful. I gave vials and vials of blood to be tested for all sorts of digestive disorders, food allergies, thyroid panels - you name it. Hopefully there will be answers. In the meantime, I am going to begin a very restrictive, all-raw green smoothie diet. I’ve read that they taste really good… but I am not sure about that! I’m nervous but hopeful. Maybe this will be it. I scoped out the “greens” section at HEB tonight – not bad. Hey, at least I should have good hair and skin after all of this!

I really don’t know why God has allowed this into my life. I do believe He has drawn me to this new doctor, who is a Christian, for a reason. I know he will work this all out for His glory. I just pray for His perspective. And a little peace would be nice, too. :)

So… this is my journey. I am going to be chronicling this “experiment” for the next 30 days to hold myself accountable to follow the plan, and maybe, just maybe help someone else in the shadows along the way. Feel free to read my wordy posts and comment away. And, if you think about me, please say a little prayer for me. Heaven knows I need it!