The Struggle

I haven’t updated in quite some time, so I thought I might as well do just that. So, let’s get to the heart of it:

I am struggling.

The Thanksgiving holiday began the slide. Over the Thanksgiving holiday I took a cooler of food for myself. Since I am allergic to turkey, my only choice of meat was ham, and boy was I ever sick of it. There was only one vegetable that I could “legally” have, so I fudged on dairy so that I could have mashed potatoes. I made myself my own gluten-free pie (again, it had dairy, which I am not supposed to have), which wasn’t the greatest, but I ate it anyway. The worst of the whole holiday was a trip to On the Border. As I watched family eat chips, queso and salsa, I can honestly say I was miserably jealous, but I was trying to keep myself composed as much as I could. The family member (who will remain nameless) that was next to me was constantly complaining about how they could find absolutely nothing on the menu. It took all of my energy not to haul off and slap them! Try going to a Mexican restaurant when you can’t have corn, cheese, sour cream, rice, chicken or pinto beans. That certainly narrows down the menu! Alas, I ordered the fajitas with no tortilla or cheese and survived.

It was so hard not being able to eat what “normal” people eat. I don’t feel “normal”. I guess I’ve just begun to feel sorry for myself. I have slipped and starting eating dairy and chocolate – two things I am supposed to avoid. Oh, and potato chips. Lots of potato chips. You would have thought that I would have gained weight by now. Nope. I weigh less than the before having two children and less than I did in high school. I guess that’s one good thing about a slightly overactive thyroid. But, my struggle is not about weight. It's about feeling healthy, alive and energetic again.

I am sabotaging the plan. Why? I have asked myself that a lot in these past few weeks, and the one thing I keep coming back to is belief. If I am honest with myself,I don’t really believe this is going to work. After 20 years of struggling with an intestinal mess, I have become rather jaded. I’ve been through so many different treatments, and they have only produced temporary, nominal results. I know that if I don’t believe it is going to really fix it this time, I won’t do it. Plan and simple. Sabotage. Sabotage.

One of the toughest parts of this whole intestinal mess is something I never talk about to anyone other than my husband, but I might as well, since I am on a roll. Because I am toxic, my body has learned to expel toxins through the only reliable avenue it has, and that is my skin. I have struggled with deep, cystic acne since I was 12 years old. One time the pain got so bad in high school that I had to go to the dermatologist to have 10 cortisone shots injected into my face. I still have to ice down my face every week or so to relieve the pain. I have been on every antibiotic possible (that really screws up your intestines), every cream and lotion, blue laser treatments and the dreaded accutane (run far away from that one). You name it, I have most likely tried it. I’ve spent thousands. Nothing has worked. The cysts persist. They are very painful, and it’s just embarrassing. I am too darn old for this! One thing I have learned over the years is the art of make-up, but that only lasts for so long. The cause is internal, and I just can't seem to fix it.

I am just not making progress. And it is my fault.

So what do I do? What do I really want, anyway? I am kind of at a crossroad. Do I take a chance and believe, or do I just forget it and live with it? This diet is crazy hard and takes a ton of preparation. I stink at even drinking enough water a day. It makes me realize the unhealthy relationship that I have with food - almost like living a thin version of a Biggest Loser episode over and over again. (By the way, GO DANNY! :))But what is the alternative? Do I dare hope again?

I need to decide. But oh, the Christmas parties. The cakes, cookies, holiday fare. Not to mention the all-day cookie-cooking-fest that I have to participate in. (Thanks, Mom.) What do I do? What do you think I should do? The Christmas season is the HARDEST time of the year to be restricted like this, but I guess it would be the best time to test my resolve, if I have any.

I’ve just lost belief and hope. I guess I need to go find some – quick. But for now, I am stilling hanging in there.